어린 시절 나는 왜 부모의 손에 붙잡혀 남쪽으로만 가야되는지를 몰랐다. 단지 기억나는 것은 걸어서 가는 하루하루가 괴로웠다는 것이다. 그리고 초등학교를 졸업하고 중학교를 진학할 때는 부모를 떠나야한다는 공포감이 온 몸을 휘감았다. 인생행로에 있어서 어디론가 낯 설은 곳으로 떠밀려 간다는 생각을 한 것이다.
가난 속에 운이 좋게 대학생이 되고서는 이제 성장했다는 생각을 하게 되었고 이성(理性)이 싹트기 시작했다. 이성(異性)과 학업을 양립시킨다는 것 또한 고통이었다. 그래서 젊은 날은 불면의 밤을 보낸 것이다. 그리고 군대를 가게 될 때는 그 긴 세월을 공포의 터널을 통과해야 된다고 생각했다. 그러니 이때의 심정은 도살장으로 가는 송아지만큼이나 두려웠다고나 할까?
사회에 나가서는 사회의 구성원으로 또 다른 갈림길에 서서 어찌하면 좋을까 하고 심사숙고 하게 되었다. 길을 잘못 가면 태풍을 만나거나 삼각파도가 닥칠 것이기 때문이다. 사회의 첫발은 그만큼 중요한 것이다.
사회는 항상 요동친다. 요동치는 현상은 바다의 파도와 다름없다. 어떤 때는 조용하다가도 어떤 때는 파고가 아주 높아 배가 크게 휘청하여 구토를 할 지경이 된다. 더 심할 때는 삼각파도를 만나 난파 위기를 맞을 수도 있다.
제1민주와 운동과 제2민주와 운동을 맞이하여 한 때 가치관에 혼란을 겪은 일도 있고 제1군부 혁명, 제2군부 혁명에 의해서 많은 시련을 겪었다. 언로가 막힌 세월을 헤쳐 온 것이다. 이러한 소용돌이는 나로 하여금 본 소설을 쓰게 된 밑거름이 되었다. 소설을 쓰면서도 어디까지 가야 우리 국민이 행복해질 수 있는가를 가늠할 수 없게 되었다. 모든 것은 불확실성의 시대이기 때문이다,
그리고 나는 사랑에 대해서도 생각해 보았다. 사랑의 진로도 직선항로만이 있는 것이 아니다. 사행곡(蛇行谷)을 자전거로 타고 가는 위험한 여행길인 것이다. 이것은 모유를 벗어나서 어떻게 사랑에 고민하고 사회정치에 휘말리고 폭풍노도와 같은 사회 환경에 몸부림쳐야만 되는 험악한 행로인 것이다.
그러면 사랑을 어떻게 정의할 수 있는가를 단편적이지만 다음을 음미해보자.
‘사랑은 가장 따뜻한, 가장 바람직한 인간관계이다. 그리고 소유욕, 욕정이 엉킨 쾌락원리의 충동 역시 사랑으로 볼 수 있는데 이 점은 남녀 간의 애정에 적용해 볼 수 있다. 사랑은 우리 문화와 사회와 인간관계에 두루 걸쳐서 이야기될 수 있다.’
사랑을 하기에는 너무나도 멀고 가깝게 하기에는 너무나도 어려운 한 시대를 살았다. 그것은 유교문화의 산실이기 때문이기도 생각하지만 급변하게 변하는 산업화 환경에서 필연적으로 나타난 결과라 할 수 있다.
급속한 산업화는 배금주의를 탄생시켰고 아울러 산업 권력을 탄생시켰다. 그로 인하여 산업 권력은 성장 일변도로 공(功)은 부각시켰으며 과(過)는 묻어버렸다. 이로 인해서 형성된 인맥이 대한민국의 지형을 변화시켰으며 부(富)도 이루었지만 또한 고통의 산실을 만들어 내기도 하였다. 그리고 권력이란 것은 너무나도 으스스하였다. 권력의 중심은 동심원을 그려서 한 겹 한 겹 파도를 만들어 나갔다. 일반인이 그 파도의 중심부근으로 넘어 가기란 정말 하늘의 별따기라는 것을 늦게야 알았다. 결국 모든 것을 포기하고 학문의 길로 갔지만 그것 또한 가만있게 놓아두지 않았다. 결국은 이에 물들고 견딜 수 없어 마지막에는 사회적 국제적 응징에 의해서 개인이 말살되는 현실을 체험하게 되었다.
따라서 이 나라의 청년 또는 중 장년층은 이를 직시하고 바른 이성으로 사회를 보고 사회를 흐트러지지 않는 맑은 호수가 되기를 바라는 마음에서 이 책을 편 것이다.
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